I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
