Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
