He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
