Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
