Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
