the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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