I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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