I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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