her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
