I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
