I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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