btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
