When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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