i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
