My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
