you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i dont even know how to be here
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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