I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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