Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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