I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
