dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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