Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
