Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
