I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
zippers are such a cool invention
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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