Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
