Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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