Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
