Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
