I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
