If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
