I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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