im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
