ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
