I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
