Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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