Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
