its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Randomize
