you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
