I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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