i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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