I got chris browned last night
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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