so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think we might need a safe word for this...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
