TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
