No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
