i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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