If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
