look no pants
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
