Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
