I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
