I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
