dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
