you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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