I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
